3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
