last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
