not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
