I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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