im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
