I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
