Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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