I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
this is an emotional support booty call
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
