She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
