a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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