There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
All I want is dick and wine.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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