Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We are all done wearing pants today
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
