apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
