put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
