please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
