its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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