So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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