im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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