Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
