Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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