we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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