I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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