I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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