If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
