I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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