I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
