don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
How does one acquire holy water?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
