FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
