The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
