I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
