hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
