i permit you to call me
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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