I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
