Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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