As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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