I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
