I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
