meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Randomize
