if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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