Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
