i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
MIDGETS
????
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
