Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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