Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
