Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
