Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
