I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
