Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
