were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
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