first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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