i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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