so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
