I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize