I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
