god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
